he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
