I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
