are you still at the devil's house?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
