Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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