If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
