My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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