apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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