What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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