I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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