I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
