so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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