I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
