Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
