dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
