i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
