I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
