i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
