She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
