So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Actions speak louder than pants.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
