Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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