tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
