I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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