I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
