the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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