why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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