literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
