The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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