I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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