There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
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someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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