Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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