Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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