Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
