a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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