just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
