I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
