It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
