I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
