Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
