The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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