lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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