Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
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Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
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I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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