i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
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just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
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I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome