I think my vagina is haunted
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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