Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
