I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
