i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
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she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
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I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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