I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
