I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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