I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
