It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
All the doctor said was why
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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