At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
