We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
