The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
