There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM