We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
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Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.