dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras