If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
