I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
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Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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