i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
