You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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