You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
